Chloe will be turning 7 next month. Since she was in Reception, two years ago, they have been encouraged to use the computer and the mouse. I would occassionally let her use my nearly 10yr old Toshiba but I would often lose patience with it haha!
At work, we have an internal market place, sort of like a virtual garage sale. I have been on the lookout for a nice deal since the site launched. Patience is indeed a virtue, and one early Monday morning, a guy from the ICT drop in centre posted his old laptop for sale. It had a nice spec too: Lenovo, 64bit, 4gb RAM, 500gb HDD, i5, preloaded with Windows 10. I emailed him and had it reserved for pickup on a Friday. It cost me just £80!!! Or less than Php6000! Beat that!
When Chloe was still a baby, Zayd and I created an email account for her. We have been sending her email since. Not as regular as i wanted, but it's there.
I have always imagined how touching the day would be when Chloe would read my messages for her. It was a lot more intense than i expected. As she read it, i was somehow transported to the time i wrote the email.
She was teary-eyed as well. I never expected that to happen.
I promised to myself that I will update this blog as soon as I hit the one year mark at work. So here I am now.
Yes, i survived my first year at work here in the UK. It wasn't an easy one to begin with. Chloe was in Year 1 and in school till 3pm while Blythe had just started Nursery that ended at noon. In the first few weeks, i had to do two school runs: one to pick B up to bring to the new child minder's and then to Chloe to bring to the minder's. I initially thought taking the bus would be easy. But looking at the timetable, it wasn't going to be easy. I had to take a cab. Good thing we had our "suki" (aka regular guys, Mr. S and Kuya J). So I spent about £150 a week for transpo plus childminding fees about £300 a month. Wow. Wala nang natira sa sweldo ko! On the upside, my employer had a childcare benefit that we can buy vouchers before tax, so that helped immensely; and my managers were understanding of my situation. It must have been after a two months that C got in their After School Club, so I had one less school run to do. It was tiring and stressful.
So when summer came, I did my happy dance! No more school runs! Mr. S was actually surprised that I lasted a whole academic year doing that. He was waiting for me to give up. Lol.
So why did i decide to work here in the UK? I had no intentions really, i was enjoying my time with the kids, baking, crafting (hmmm or trying to), colouring, etc. But i miss my financial independence. I felt guilty about spending my hubby's money (mind you, i did not have an allowance, i only had money for grocery and pay rent) to buy nice clothes for my girls. I then decided, if i were to try and break in here, i wouldn't go the consulting route. I would try to get in an internal IT department. I had my fair share of consulting, I am thankful for the experience. It is time to be on the other side of the table. I did not care if i had to start at the bottom. (Don't we all?) So I am now employed as a Business Intelligence (BI) Developer. The application process here is different from what I am used to in Manila.
I was first asked to take an aptitude exam. #$%&@! I haven't taken one since 1998. I was in a room wirh fresh grads. They all finished ahead of me and I was literally shaking after. In fact, i bid goodbye to the post at the back of my mind. That was how disheartened I was. The following week I was called in for an interview. To my surprise, it was a speed-dating type one. Having the experience I had, I whizzed through it. I felt so pleased then and I was confident I made it. A week after, i was called in for a technical interview. I think i aced it as well, since I got offered a job after two weeks.
I had a blast "turning on" my IT brain and switching off (for a few hours) my "mum mode". It is very much like riding a bike, you never really forget those SQLs, C# .Net, etc. I got along really well with everyone I worked with. And now, I am really in the "feel" of working 37hrs a week, fulltime. I get to work from home too on some days. Over the summer, my kids have forced me to work from home on Fridays, when they do not go for Holiday Playscheme.
So there. I haven't been updating this blog because of that.
My kids have grown and I have had a lot of experiences with them over the past three years since we moved to the UK. I am thankful that amidst all the trials, our family has managed beautifully with this big change.
So do I miss my old life? Yes. Sometimes. But now that the girls are in school full-time, i think getting this job last year was a blessing. I still get to play mum.
Xxx
I was asked by my mom to prepare this eulogy for my dear Grandma. I am not sure if I will be able to give her justice but i will try my best.
Let me start by telling you how she came to be called "Grandma". This was all because of me. Back in Nursery, my best friend Margot, called her lola "Grandma"; being best friends we had to call our lolas Grandma. She liked it! She felt "sosyal" daw. All my cousins started calling her Grandma too. I am glad that all her apo sa tuhod calls her the same.
She was a wife, mother, sister, and friend. As a wife she held her family together the best way she knew how. Despite everything that has happened, she took care of lolo till the end. She was a mother, not only to her children, but also to her children's friends as well. Our house in Kamias was open to everybody! And it was fun growing up.. At least for me and my brother. This is exactly why, over the past few days, we have seen such an outpour of love, through prayers and song. As a sister, she looked after her siblings even when they had families of their own. She and Lola Mameng would meet up in Baclaran and share some chit chat; we would sometime visit Lolo Rod and Lolo Ben just to catch up. As a friend, she was a good listener and adviser. Madaming chismis na alam yan, pero di nya chinichismis sa iba, sa akin lang. Haha!
To me, she was all of these. Who would believe I would be so luck? She took care of me and my brother, Rommel, while our parents were at work. Grandma named me, did you know that? I still remember the time I asked her "How did you come to name me Rowena? Saka bakit isa lang name ko? Classmates kong iba dalawa ang names?" I was looking forward to a Disney-like story, when she nonchalantly responds "Ah, nakita ko sa jeep yung pangalang Rowena. Naisip ko maganda yun ah!" 😁😁😁 I guess this is the reason I would look for my name inside a jeepney and chuckle everytime i see it. I laugh when i find Rommel's name next to mine hehehe!
As a kid, i got teased a lot for being too big for the average Filipino child. The kids on our street got a taste of her "dugong Muslim" when she got tired of me crying and playing alone by telling them "Mataba ang apo ko kasi masarap pagkain namin. Eh kayo??" She was my hero! I didn't care for playing with kids my age -- I had my Grandma. Who needs them? She loved to sew. She made all my Barbies their own dresses. She was also my #1 fan and critique. She would put on a cassette tape of Lea Salonga songs to put me to sleep. She makes me sing everyday as practice.
Every Saturday morning, I would accompany her to Nepa QMart for our weekly ration of food, and we'd pass by this creek along K-9th and she'd say she will jump. As a kid, i would cry and cry and ask her not to. When I turned into an adolescent, I realized they were empty threats so I would now respond differently: "sige gran, tulak pa kita" We'd both laugh and continue walking -- i still held on tightly to her hand, just in case. I will always remember the first few days of commuting alone. She was like a detective! Hiding behind lampposts, waiting sheds-- making sure we boarded the right jeepney and crossed the street safely. There was even a time when heavy rains poured and i couldn't get a ride our usual route. My friend, Celeste, and i took a bus along EDSA to Kamias just to get home. However, we got stranded since no jeepneys would dare cross the flooded streets. We decided to walk. Little did we know that the flood was actually chest deep! Within a few minutes, Grandma was on the other end of the street and she brought all the tambays in K6 and did the unimaginable: she crossed the flood water for me and got me and my friend home safely.
She was my secret keeper. She knew who all my crushes were growing up (i used to tease her na crush din nya yung crush ko) and who my boyfriends were. If you passed the "Grandma test", we have a future! I believe she chose Zayd for me too.
I remember asking her about life during the second world war. She is always teary-eyed when i ask. Great grandpa got separated from them. It was only last year that she and Lola Mameng got their closure: the Japanese tunnel held a number of Filipino captives during the invasion.
When I had my daughters, she doted on them lovingly. Although a bit too frail to carry them (lalo si Chloe hehe) she always hugged and kissed them. She even taught them to sing "clap your feet" -- yes, hindi hands!! -- with matching actual clapping of the feet talaga! They still know how to do this. She was also Mohan's #1 patient. Her health improved with every visit, hug, kiss, love notes from him.
I have a lot more memories of her and i don't think today is enough to memorialize her in my words. For me, she was the best example of how a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend should be. She taught me that in everything I do, it should be done out of love and respect; and it will come back to you a hundred or even a thousand fold. Look at us, here today, we are all part of that thousand fold. It is her love that brought us here, and bound us together.
Thank you Grandma for everything. I look forward to seeing your trademark salt n' pepper hair on the gates of Heaven -- just like when you would pick me up from school.
*******************
In loving memory
Grandma Nene Bautista
January 12, 1932 - August 16, 2014
I cannot imagine my life without Grandma. Every minute I spent with her is written in my heart... From the day Mel and I hid inside our clothes basket as a prank on her, but she did not look for us -- we ended up soaked in sweat instead; the time she took us out to Ali mall and shared a Greenwich pizza and ended up putting half a bottle of Tabasco on it -- i remember Mel and I in tears haha!; to the day Mel and I got married and had kids; meeting Mohan, Chloe, and Blythe and teaching them to "clap their feet" which until now (i speak on behalf of my kids) they still do; and that time we almost gave her a heart attack for that surprise party we pulled off for her 80th birthday. I am lucky that she has spent that long of a time with us, able to hug and kiss her "apo sa tuhods" and spoil them to bits like she did her grandkids.
The last month has been very stressful for the family, seeing her in pain was not something we were accustomed to. We prayed and prayed and prayed. She showed us how strong and how much of a fighter she is. Even at the last moment, she chose to teach us a lesson.
For me, she hasn't passed on. She is with me in my everyday life: every plate, spoon, fork, glass i wash i remember her soft hands; everytime i bake a batch of cookies or our family recipe of brazo de mercedes, i remember her and how supportive she was while i was still learning to bake and cook; i remember how she used to braid my hair at night so that i have curly hair the next day i went to school -- i do those to Chloe as well; the time i needed to adjust Chloe's hemline, i remember how she used to do mine.
Every bit of me is a result of the love and care she has shown me. Even with the way i raise my children, her gentle ways always come to mind.
To end, i would like to share a poem i came across the web:
You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gon,
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
Smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.
- David Harkins
I choose to keep you safe in my heart, where no pain exists, where your smile and laughter fills the air, and only love rules. We are fortunate to have shared a lifetime with you. Thank you for all the love and sacrifices. Thank you, Grandma. Till we meet again.
Have you ever tried crying kunwari in front of your kids?
I have. A lot of times. Just wanted to see how Chloe and Blythe would react.
During the first few times, only Chloe would come rushing to me while saying "Mama's crying. What happened, mom? Listen to me mom. What's wrong?" She hugs me tight and rubs my back to comfort me.
Now, Blythe would do the same and hug me and kiss me.
So what's the point?
I realize that our children's behavior is a reflection of ours. That is what I do to them when i find them hurt or troubled. Blythe obviously models after big sis.
I find myself being more calm nowadays, and now able to control outbursts (well, still a work in progress) in front of the kids. I would often repeat to myself: "speak with love and act with gratitude" -- and you know what? It has made a noticeable difference with the girls. They are more responsive. I recently read a blog about letting go of perfectionism especially for kids. I agree with the author. At the end of the day, i want my kids to learn to pick themselves up when they fall, that in order for them to learn and appreciate what they have, they are free to make mistakes while we, as parents, reassure them that we are there for them no matter what. I have also learned to accept that each child develops at his/her own pace, that i need to just wait and have faith.
Sometimes i find myself snuggling up to Chloe in the middle of the night. I whisper in her ear "I love you, Chloe" and she responds sleepily with "I love you, Mama".
Yes, that is faith at work. I have waited so long for this moment.
Have a blessed Sunday everyone!